This web page is dedicated to those who remind us
that we are human and we do make mistakes.

Sometimes the funniest things in life are not those we make up but those that happen to us. We say things, write things and do things that we think are correct but somehow they come out different. Sometimes it's embarrassing for us and surprising for others, but often it's too funny to be forgotten. Here is my collection of Life's Bloopers.

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Home > On the Beat


Great thinngs overheard while on the beat.

  • "The more we sweat in training, the less we bleed on the streets."
  • "Your life is not my fault."
  • "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
  • "Take you hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
  • "Remember, when you gotta cuff 'em... nobody is your friend."
  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  • "That says POLICE, not taxi!"
  • "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?" [If you aren't a shooter,,that is the average speed of a 9mm projectile]
  • "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
  • "You can't outrun a radio."
  • "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
  • "Someone somewhere is practicing. If you're not, and someday you should meet, you will lose."
  • "Every dog has its day. Good dogs have two."
  • "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
  • "I'd rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don't have."
  • "If it's worth stopping, it's worth writing."
  • "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
  • "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
  • "Listen with your ears, not with your mouth."
  • "Some people are meant to be cops, and some people are meant to call the cops."
  • "God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today."
  • "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
  • "God must love stupid people, 'cause he sure made a lot of them."
  • "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
  • "Bullet-proof vests aren't."
  • "Law abiding citizens sleep peacefully in their beds, solely because, dedicated men and women stand ready to do violence in their behalf."
  • "In God we trust, all others we run NCIC."
  • "In God we trust, all others are suspect."
  • "Just how big were those two beers?"
  • "Uh... yes Chief, it only appeared as if I wasn't paying attention to your speech. Actually, you inspired me to meditate on the mission statement and envision a new paradigm."
  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
  • "Law enforcement is not a spectator sport."
  • "There are multiple copies here. You need to press down firmly when signing at the bottom of the ticket."
  • "I know, I know! Your kid is an honour student at the juvenile detention centre."

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Life's Bloopers was last updated on 2010 March 12