This web page is dedicated to those who remind us
that we are human and we do make mistakes.

Sometimes the funniest things in life are not those we make up but those that happen to us. We say things, write things and do things that we think are correct but somehow they come out different. Sometimes it's embarrassing for us and surprising for others, but often it's too funny to be forgotten. Here is my collection of Life's Bloopers.


Home > Courtroom Bloopers

The following were taken from transcripts of court proceedings.

  • Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
  • Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
  • Q: This myasthenia gravis—does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
  • Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.
  • Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.
  • Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
  • Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
    A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
  • Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A: After the accident?
    Q: Before the accident.
    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
  • Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.
  • Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: "What disco am I at?"
  • Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  • Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
  • Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
  • Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
  • Q: Did he kill you?
  • Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
  • Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
  • Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
  • Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
  • Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
  • Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    A: I went to Europe, Sir.
    Q: And you took your new wife?
  • Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
  • Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
  • Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
  • Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
  • Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
  • Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
    A: Borofkin.
    Q: What's his first name?
    A: I can't remember.
    Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
    A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
  • Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
    A: I refuse to answer that question.
    Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
    A: I refuse to answer that question.
    Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
    A: No.
  • Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
  • Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?&A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
  • Q: What is your name?
    A: Ernestine McDowell.
    Q: And what is your marital status?
    A: Fair.
  • Q: Are you married?
    A: No, I'm divorced.
    Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
    A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
  • Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
    A: My ex-widow said it.
  • Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
    A: Well, a gal down the road had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
  • Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    A: I will be three months November 8th.
    Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
  • Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
  • Q: Were you aquainted with the deceased?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: Before or after he died?
  • Q: What happened then?
    A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Q: Did he kill you?
    A: No.
  • Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
  • Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
    A: No.
    Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
    A: Picking them up in the air.
    Q: Where was the dog at this time?
    A: Attached to the ears.
  • Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
    Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
  • Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, okay? What school do you go to?
    A: Oral.
    Q: How old are you?
    A: Oral.
  • Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
    A: She is my daughter.
    Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
  • Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
  • Q: ...and what did he do then?
    A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
    Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
  • Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
    A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
  • Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
    A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
    Q: It was covered?
    A: Yes, bandaged.
    Q: Then later on, what did you see?
    A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
  • Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
    A: I could see his head.
    Q: And where was his head?
    A: Just above his shoulders.
  • Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant
    A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that son of a bitch—and she did!
  • Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
    A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
  • Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
    A: The victim lived.
  • Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.
  • Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
    A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
  • Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    A: It indicates intercourse.
    Q: Male sperm?
    A: That is the only kind I know.
  • Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
  • Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

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Life's Bloopers was last updated on 2010 March 12