OLD TESTAMENT HISTORY
Students in both Jewish and Christian parochial schools were asked to write about the Bible. The following are some of the responses.
NEW TESTAMENT HISTORY
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
- Samson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The fifth commandment is humour thy mother and father.
- The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached the UK.
- Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
- King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an emasculate contraption.
- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
- According to the Bible, a Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Return to main page