Mastermind
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Opens with Mastermind theme music and the caption: 'SYDNEY BOTTOCKS- Male Model'

MAGNUS MAGNUSSON (Benny Hill): Your name is?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS (Jackie Wright): Sydney Bottocks.
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: Bottocks... neither one thing nor the other. You are married, and you have 15 children, and your hobby is?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: Flying my kite.
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: And you've chosen as your subject, the arts. Is that right?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: Yes.
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: Don't get cocky, it's not a question.

MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: Right. Quotations: "There are those who long for immortality, who don't know what to do on a wet Sunday afternoon." "If God had meant us to fly, He would have given us tickets." "Girls are like pianos—when they're not upright, they're grand." Who made those brilliant remarks?"
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: I don't know.
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: I did. You weren't listening, were you? You should've known it was me when I said they were brilliant.

MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: Victor Herbert, for his song "The Dream of Thalami," was paid $2,000.00. What did he say when he put his hand in his pocket and realised it had gone?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: "I don't feel very well."
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: No, he said, "I don't feel too grand."

MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: The next question is geographical. Is it possible for you to walk from Istanbul to Bangkok?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: No.
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: Why not?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: I've got a sore foot.
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: The answer is Yes, you can make the entire journey without once passing water.
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: Not with my kidneys.

MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: The next question is in two parts: What happened in 1756?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: Mozart was born.
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: And in 1776?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: Mozart was 20 years old.
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: No, he heard his first symphony played in public. Halfway through, he burst into tears. How did he view the world afterwards?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: Optimistically.
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: No, misty-optically. Don't get clever with me. How would you like your head, one lump or two?

MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: A man has five children. Half of them are boys. Is that possible?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: No.
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: Yes, the other half are also boys.

A drawing is brought next to Magnus.

MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: This Aboriginal painting from Down Under, can you name it?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: Momod's "Light Bulb."
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: (turning picture around) No, Powow's "Lady Looking for the Soap."

The drawing is taken away.

MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: Where does the expression "Le composition de ce la etbeurre, tel mon beurre" come from?
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: Victor Hugo's "Les Miserables."
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: (holding up a jar) No, the label of this jar of French mustard.

MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: It is a slang word, geographical location (a this point, four high-pitched beeps are heard, and Magnus holds up his hand) and name of a book. It is the Khyber...
SYDNEY BOTTOCKS: Pass?
MAGNUS MAGNUSSON: What a pity. Mr. Bottocks, you have the lowest score ever recorded on "Mastermind." You may have a mind, but you haven't mastered it. Good night!

He pushes down the plunger on top of the box next to him and Mr. Bottocks is blown to smithereens.

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The Benny Hill Songbook was last updated 2007 June 21st Thursday