In the Courthouse
Updated by a friend of the page.

In a room in the courthouse are detainees, three men who look like rough individuals off the street and one woman with a scarf tied over her head and wearing a coat. #1 (Benny Hill) is walking around, carrying a newspaper, and the others are seated at a table. A female police officer stands at the door, stage right.

#1: (Speaking to #2) It's no wonder you're in here, is it? Riding your motorbike on the pavement to avoid paying road tax. And when that copper asked if you had a pillion, what did you say? "How many's that?"
#1: He meets Her Majesty, the Queen, and all he can think of to say is, "That reminds me, I must get some stamps."
#1: He puts in six new windows in his house and then finds out his glasses are cracked. You pillock!

#1 hits #2 with the newspaper and then sits down at the table. #2 pulls out a cigarette.

POLICEWOMAN: (Looking at #2) Oy! See that sign? It says 'No smoking allowed.'
#2 (Jackie Wright): (Looks up at her) Uh, I'll be very quiet.

Policewoman exits stage left. #3 enters stage right, with his hand on his jaw

#1: Oh, you're ???
#3: I've been to the dentist, ain't I? Wisdom tooth. (Sitting at table)
#1: Oh, they put one in?
#3: No, took it out. Oh, it weren't half big.
#4: (Jon Jon Keefe): Does it still hurt?
#3: I dunno. The dentist has got it. (to #1) Where's Ted?
#1: He's in hospital. Broke his leg.
#3: How?
#1: Playing poker.
#3: How could he break his leg playing poker?
#1: He cheats. (reading newspaper) I see Charlie got three years then. Ho ho.
#4: What for?
#1: Disturbing the peace.
#3: You don't get three years for disturbing the peace.
#1: You do if the peace you disturb is the magistrate's wife. (reading newspaper again) Ooh, they had to convene a special assize court. Ooh, the things she said about him.
#4: What assize?
#1: It don't say she said that. (to #6) She didn't say 'what assize'. I say she--(waving his hand at her)... oh...

Policewoman escorts #5 into the room through the door stage left. #5 is carrying a bottle and looking somewhat inebriated.

#1: What's up with you then?
#5 (Bob Todd): (Sits at the table) Here. I took the number seven bus and it frightened the life out of me.
#1: Why?
#5: I'd never driven a bus before. (Starts drinking from the bottle)
#1: Here, is that neat whiskey?
#5: No, it's diluted. With vodka.
#2: That's slow poison.
#5: I'm in no hurry.
#4: You in that state, them coppers in there'll tie you up in knots.
#5: Aah, not me. I'm quick-witted.
#1: Quick-witted? You couldn't ad-lib a click if your false teeth come loose.
#5: The police are all right. They're only doing their job!
#1: Well, why don't you dye your head blue and join them?
#4: I can't see why we need coppers anyway. I mean, people are basically honest, ain't they? (They look at him, astounded.) I don't mean us, I mean people! If anyone finds a glove in the street, they put it on the mall and go home, don't they?
#1: 'Til they find the other glove and then they run back for the first one, don't they?
#2: (Holding a book entitled 'Archaic Laws') What's 'archaic'?
#1: You what?
#2: Archaic?
#1: Well, it's like when they say we can't have our cake and eat it as well.
#1: Here, where'd you get that book from?
#2: I found it outside.
#1: Well don't let them coppers see you got that book, you know what they're like.
#6 (Kathy Staff): (who who has been sitting very still) Coppers is all right.

Others sitting around the table are surprised by her sudden outburst.

#1: Who rattled her cage?
#6: My brother-in-law's a mounted policeman.
#1: Are they stuffing 'em now then?

Police officer comes back into the room, stage left.

POLICEWOMAN: Right, they're ready for you now.
#1: If it wasn't for coppers we wouldn't be here.
#6: No. We'd all be out of a job.

Woman removes her scarf and coat to reveal a judge's wig and attire. The five men at the table (also judges) all get their wigs and put them on.

#1: That's true.

Police woman opens the door and the six judges walk out of the room. #1 exits second and pinches the policewoman on the bottom, and #5 exits last, still drinking from the bottle.

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The Benny Hill Songbook was last updated 2007 June 21st Thursday