God Bless My Father (Whoever He Was)

Harry sitting at the dining room table playing cards with his neighbour, George. Harry's wife, Blanche, is standing beside him.

HARRY: When I was in the hospital he fitted the guy in the bed next to me with a hot pacemaker. Now every time the guy sneezes the garage doors fly open.
BLANCHE: When you were in the hospital you made me ASHAMED asking for the you-know-what in that vulgar way.
HARRY: How else can you call it? I mean, what kind of a pot is it? It's not a flower pot, is it? It's not a cooking pot. No, it's a p...
BLANCHE: You should say, "Please may I have a vase."
HARRY: I did. I said to the matron, "Please may I have a vase." You know what she said? "How big's your bouquet?"
HARRY: I'll tell you something. Her brother tells me I got hay fever, says I'm allergic to Poland. I'll tell you someting, I've never been to Poland in my whole life. She's a little upset; she can't figure out why her brother's got two sisters and she's only got the one. (in a loud voice) Tell me, where is he now?
BLANCHE: (from the kitchen) He's up in Maine, slaying.
HARRY: Still working huh?
BLANCHE: YOUR brother's a saint, of course. Sixty years old and chasing half way across the world with two eighteen-year-old chorus girls. I ask you, what kind of a life is that for a man?

Harry is speechless, just stares forward.

BLANCHE: And you can go with him for all I care. I'll be okay. There's plenty more fish in the sea.
HARRY: Only your bait ain't what it was, is it?
BLANCHE: (exiting) And your pier's collapsed. I've given you the best years of my life.
HARRY: What do you want? A receipt?
BLANCHE: (putting on old coat) Look at this coat.
HARRY: What's wrong with it?
BLANCHE: It's too short.
HARRY: It'll be long enough before you get another one.
GEORGE: You won again, Harry.
HARRY: Ah, you know what they say. Lucky at cards, unlucky in love. No cheating, there's nothing up my sleeve.
BLANCHE: And very little down your trouser leg.
GEORGE: (getting up from the table) Can I drop you off somewhere, Mrs. Dobbs?
HARRY: Yeah, over the side of the Brooklyn Bridge.

George exits, following Blanche.

MAID: (brings Harry a prepared meal) There. Mrs. Dobbs made it especially for you. It's a sponge cake.
HARRY: That is a sponge cake? (cake is rock hard, Harry picks it up and hits it against the plate) I can only assume she calls that a sponge cake because she borrowed all of the ingredients. She didn't have any of it, did she?
MAID: No, she's on a diet. She reckons she's going to lose five pounds a week.
HARRY: Well good. By next July she'll be gone all together.
MAID: (touches Harry under the chin) Gee, you're so cute.
HARRY: Come on Cindy, watch it. You know, I'm old enough to be your... big brother.
MAID: Oh. I quite like older men. My boyfriend's nearly twenty-six. Gee, I wish you were twenty years younger.
MAID: Then you could take my mother out.
HARRY: What about your father?
MAID: Oh, he's never home. He's a naval man.
HARRY: I'm a leg man myself. Mind, I'm not a fanatic about it.
MAID: (leaning over beside Harry with her blouse partly unbuttoned) Would you mind if I popped out later?
HARRY: Cindy, you can pop out anytime you like.
MAID: Later'll do. I can get showered and changed in two minutes.
HARRY: I'd like to see you do it. God, I'd like to see you do it!

At George's house, George is showing Blanche a fur coat he just bought for her.

BLANCHE: George, it's beautiful! Oh, George, it must have cost a fortune. But what's Harry gonna say?
GEORGE: Here's what you do. You take it to Grand Central Station. Put it in the left luggage. You give the ticket to Harry. Tell him you found it. "Hey, it's a left luggage ticket," says Harry. "I wonder what it can be," says you. "I'll pop along and find out," says Harry. You get the fur coat and he don't suspect nothing.
BLANCHE: (laughing) You're fabulous!
GEORGE: Ain't I though? Ha ha ha!

Back at Harry's dining room table. Harry is eating supper and George is sitting with him.

BLANCHE: Drink and sex. That's what killed your uncle: drink and sex.
HARRY: Yeah, he couldn't get either so he shot himself.

Blanche exits

HARRY: I tell you, that man is married to the coldest woman I ever knew. Every time she opened her mouth a little light came on inside. The only woman I ever knew who could ride a bicycle with her legs crossed.
GEORGE: I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. Did you?
HARRY: Can't remember, what was her maiden name?
GEORGE: I meant sweet.
BLANCHE: (entering) Wife, not sleeping well, Mr. Arbuthnot?
GEORGE: It's the cats. They keep her awake at night.
HARRY: We never eat cats. As far as I know. (looks at the plate of food in front of him) What the hell's this?
BLANCHE: I got it out of the cookbook.
HARRY: Good, it had no right to be there in the first place.
GEORGE: May I pass you the Dodds, Mrs. Sugar? Oh! (chuckles) Pass you the sugar, Mrs. Dodds? Sweets to the sweet.
HARRY: (to George) Would you care for some nuts?
BLANCHE: Oh, uh... oh, th-that reminds me. Harry, you will remember to go 'round past the station and uh, find out what that ticket is for.
HARRY: Oh, I forgot to tell you, honey. I did it this morning. Picked it up this morning, yeah.
BLANCHE: Oh! And uh, what was it?
HARRY: It was an old, broken umbrella. It was no good, I threw it away.

George and Blanche look at Harry

MAID: (enters, putting on her new fur coat) Well, I'll be off now. G'night all.

George and Blanche start to stand up

HARRY: (looks at them suspiciously) Going somewhere?

They both sit back down

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The Benny Hill Songbook was last updated 2007 June 21st Thursday