Fun Boy Club
Fred Scuttle opens a night club in London.

While the interviewer gives his introduction, shows "STRIPTEASE CABARET" sign and pans down to the interviewer standing in front of the night club. Fred Scuttle is about to walk up to him but greets a male patron and adjusts his coat in the collor and bottom, then tries to adjust the coat of the man's female companion. The man tips him.

INTERVIEWER: Good evening. I'm speaking to you now from the heart of London's west end, where um, only last Tuesday there saw the opening of the very latest addition to the night life of London, the Fun Boy Club. And here with me is the man behind it all, Fred Scuttle.
FRED SCUTTLE: Good evening sir. Good evening all you jet-set swingers. And welcome to Scuttle's exclusive Fun Boy Club.
FRED SCUTTLE: Yes, it's exclusive sir. Yes, yes.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me, what are the incumbent qualities pertinent to this exclusivity?
FRED SCUTTLE: I beg your pardon sir?
INTERVIEWER: What have I got to have before I can join?
FRED SCUTTLE: Thirty bob. You see, we want to keep the riff-raff out, you see sir. Because I intend on becoming the Hugh Hefner of Houndslow.
INTERVIEWER: Are you going to emulate all his bunny girls?
FRED SCUTTLE: Not all of them sir. Not with MY BACK, oo! As you know, if I get exicted MY BACK GOES!
FRED SCUTTLE: I went then sir, I'm sorry.
INTERVIEWER: What I actually meant was, I mean, are all your girls going to be dressed as bunnies?
FRED SCUTTLE: No sir, teddy bears.
INTERVIEWER: Teddy bears.
FRED SCUTTLE: Very tasteful sir. Yes it's all sort of, little bodies, sort of like a religious dress sir: low and behold. And it's very, deep cut there, and high on there, with a long suspender belt with black...

Interviewer is moaning

INTERVIEWER: Yeah, you're dribbling sir.

Interviewer regains his composure

FRED SCUTTLE: Very tasteful sir.
INTERVIEWER: Yes. What do these teddy bears have to do?
FRED SCUTTLE: They welcome the male guests, you see sir. They go out sir, a little teddy bear. A little teddy bear will go to the taxi door, open the taxi door and follow him at a discrete distance into the club, you see sir. So no man ever feels he's entering the club on his own.
FRED SCUTTLE: Never sir. I've never seen a man come in here without a bear behind sir. It's a tradition, you see... since last Tuesday.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me, how many of these lovely, delightful teddy bears do you have?
FRED SCUTTLE: At the moment, just the two sir.
FRED SCUTTLE: The wife and her mother. But we are hoping to expand.
INTERVIEWER: Your mother-in-law.
FRED SCUTTLE: I'm not going to expand my mother-in-law. You know you pick it up as it is... Oh I see what you mean sir. The fellows love her, the punters love my mother-in-law sir. Yes, she knows all the latest cocktails.
FRED SCUTTLE: She tells them... she sells them in... in the bar sir, you see. Oh yes indeed. (Oo! Ah! That was a...) You see, I mean you could have a vermooth with a cherry in it sir, martini with an olive in it. If you like you can have a pint with a pickled onion in it sir. But in the bar, anything goes sir. She gives them complete blomange. Absolute cherabanyan there sir.
INTERVIEWER: Could I get couvelibrian there?
FRED SCUTTLE: As a newt.
INTERVIEWER: No no no, what I meant was, could I have something tall and cold with a lot of rum in it?
FRED SCUTTLE: Uh, we never let the wife go in the bar sir. She doesn't go in, not since the accident. She had one knocked over, you see. But she does the catering, you know sir. She does, yes she makes little sausage rolls...
INTERVIEWER: With her own hands?
FRED SCUTTLE: No, she uses chipolata sir. We do have a restaurant sir. We have a really... it's very continental cuisine sir. What we call a la commode. Yes sir.
INTERVIEWER: It is topless?
FRED SCUTTLE: Uh, well it was, yes, but they was up after the leek you see sir. They were finishing their soup six times, some of them, because of the leek. And it wasn't leek soup.
INTERVIEWER: Yes. No, what I actually meant was, I mean... are your waitresses... topless?
FRED SCUTTLE: Oh, no sir. Oh, we wouldn't have anything like that in here sir. Well I mean, these girls, topless... they've got to serve a full meal sir. Hot things... and... they've got to lean across tables. And I mean, you can ask a girl to take her thumb out of your soup. Not only that sir, some of the punters coming here are service men, you see sir.
FRED SCUTTLE: And they like to dance with the girls.
FRED SCUTTLE: And some of these service men have got medals. And you can reckon on any week there's bound to be one flag day. It's all right for the lifeboat men, but what about the poor girl... Oo! Oo! Oo! Like that all the time, you see sir.
INTERVIEWER: I understand there are already 500 topless waitresses in London.
FRED SCUTTLE: I think that's a thousand pities sir.
FRED SCUTTLE: (to the audience) Think about it... no, don't think about it!
FRED SCUTTLE: I honestly do sir. I'll be perfectly frank with you sir, and I know you won't mind that. Or I'll be Ernest if you prefer sir. The thing is... The thing is, you see sir, we did ask one of the girls to go out and serve a meal stripped to the waist.
FRED SCUTTLE: Well I meant stripped DOWN to the waist, you see sir. She misunderstood... up to the waist. It was a novelty. I meant, as she was going out they were saying, "That reminds me, you got any hot-crossed buns?" But really sir, they come in for the food. The food's mm (kisses fingertips)
INTERVIEWER: Impeccable.
FRED SCUTTLE: I'd have said peccable myself. I mean, for starters sir, for example sir, I mean you oculd have asparagus soup sir. You could have a pate de faux gras.
FRED SCUTTLE: Have two cados if you want. Then the main meal, then for your afters...
INTERVIEWER: Your sweet.
FRED SCUTTLE: Thank you sir. Then for your afters... (lets out a sighing ahem, looks at interviewer) Sir. I'd heard about you television people.
FRED SCUTTLE: You see sir, I mean we give them... after we give them a little bowl with all the little pastries in, you see sir.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, pootifore.
FRED SCUTTLE: We put in half a dozen. We look after them, you know sir.
INTERVIEWER: Yes. I understand, Mr. Scuttle, that you're surely to publish a Fun Boy magazine.

Fred Scuttle reaches out with both hands and touches interviewer in the tummy

FRED SCUTTLE: Oh, that would be real... that would be real... oh, the fellas will go potty over that, they will sir, yes.
INTERVIEWER: Might one say that this will be for the playboy to read in his Mayfair Penthouse, mightn't one? (laughing, trying to keep his composure)
FRED SCUTTLE: (now looking sombre) Yes, one might say that sir. Especially if one wanted another one of those...

Fred Scuttle reaches out and touches interviewer in the tummy again

FRED SCUTTLE: Oh yes, it's all swinging sir. It will be happening sir.
INTERVIEWER: Yes. How will this differ from the plethora...
FRED SCUTTLE: I haven't read The Plethora. Men Only, I know. The Plethora, I don't know that one sir.
INTERVIEWER: No no, I meant the plethora of men's magazines...
FRED SCUTTLE: Oh sir, we will be star-studded. We start off with an advice column sir.
INTERVIEWER: What to do, for the lovelorn.
FRED SCUTTLE: What to do ON the love lawn. It's by Edgar Lustgarden. Then of course, Wench of the Week.
INTERVIEWER: Wench of the Week?
FRED SCUTTLE: Eggie Mount as you have always dreamed of her. Thora Herd, more daring than ever. Kathleen Harrison, photographed on her birthday wearing a suit suitable for the occasion. We never commit ourselves, you see, because of the Lord Longford lot, you know, after...

Takes a short pause

INTERVIEWER: Sandy Shore... Sandy Shore barefoot all over. Cathy Kirby in 3D,that'll knock their eyes out. And for the ladies, Edward Heath, full frontal, sitting on his dingy.
FRED SCUTTLE: In the Channel.
INTERVIEWER: In his bath.

Music starts

FRED SCUTTLE: Oh it's starting, the striptease, come along sir. You'll enjoy it sir. (Fred Scuttle shows him inside)

Ladies start entering the club.

FRED SCUTTLE: (to the ladies) No, you won't like it, you won't like it, you won't like it.

Zoom out, showing the "STRIPTEAST CABARET" sign with only "TEA BAR" lit up.

FRED SCUTTLE: I'll kill that electrician.

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The Benny Hill Songbook was last updated 2007 June 21st Thursday