Friends to Tea, with Henry McGee
An interview with Chow Mein.

HENRY McGEE: Next week sees the opening of the Chinu Chinese Opera Company. Tonight, I am happy to welcome, with his choreographer, the leading light, Mr. Chow Mein.

Chow Mein and a woman enter. He is in a very jovial mood as they walk onto the stage.

CHOW MEIN: Ha ha. Oh thank you. Ha ha ha ha. Herro every bloody. They are all crapping. It's nice to hear them crapping.
HENRY McGEE: Good evening, and welcome to Great Britain.
CHOW MEIN: For the people of China, wish prosperity on your people, and peace on your government.
HENRY McGEE: What is the name of this opera you're presenting.
CHOW MEIN: Little white buttercup. (looks at his choreographer)
HENRY McGEE: The opera is called Little White Buttercup?
CHOW MEIN: No, she a little white buttercup.
HENRY McGEE: Oh, she's called Little White Buttercup?
CHOW MEIN: No, I say to her, "You lift your right buttock up." (she lifts her right leg and Chow Mein removes the book she is sitting on)
CHOW MEIN: It's still warm. (laughing, hands the book to Henry McGee, who takes it and Chow Mein turns it so he is looking at it the right way up)
HENRY McGEE: (studying the book) You'll have to help me out.
CHOW MEIN: Why, which way you come in?
HENRY McGEE: Uh, I meant, what does it say?
CHOW MEIN: It say, "Hi Pong, Wun Lung Ho, Hu Flung Dung."
HENRY McGEE: In English.
CHOW MEIN: In Engrish, "Confucious say, wise man never hide in rady's wardrobe after eating baked beans."
CHOREOGRAPHER: This story of a poor boy who live outskirt of Peking.
CHOW MEIN: Yeah. His parents are so poor he was made in Hong Kong. When he was sick, no can afford x-rays. Just hold him up to the right. (looks up to his hands as he pretends to hold something over his head) One day he see a robbery rady.
HENRY McGEE: A lovely lady.
CHOW MEIN: Oh, you rearning, yes. Anyloadup, she is in a temper.
HENRY McGEE: She's angry.
CHOREOGRAPHER: No, she very calm and selene.
HENRY McGEE: But he just said she's in a temper.
CHOREOGRAPHER: Yes! In a hory temper.
HENRY McGEE: Oh, in a holy temple.
CHOREOGRAPHER: Yes! (looking to camera) Oh vay, what a pirrock!
CHOW MEIN: You tell him, Cookie baby, you tell him. Yeah.
CHOW MEIN: Rook. She, uh in a temper. She is praying with a Mandarin.
HENRY McGEE: Who also remains calm.
CHOREOGRAPHER: Pardon?
HENRY McGEE: He keeps his cool.
CHOW MEIN: He keeps his what cool?
HENRY McGEE: The Mandarin. She's praying with a Mandarin.
CHOW MEIN: No, she no praying with a Mandarin. She's "praying with a mandarin." (imitates someone playing a mandolin)
HENRY McGEE: She's playing on the mandolin.
CHOW MEIN: Yes! Oh seep deem. Now she have house in Peking.
CHOREOGRAPHER: So, boy decide he is going to Peking.
HENRY McGEE: Through the suburbs.
CHOW MEIN: No, through the window. What a pronker.
CHOREOGRAPHER: But to get there he must go through big gleen tlees in folest. And in folest he meet her father who is vely lich.
CHOW MEIN: He have all about his person, sort of like a red poncho thing, you know, and full of gold.
HENRY McGEE: Wallets.
CHOW MEIN: It's true.
CHOREOGRAPHER: But then, big rion attack father, and boy wlestle him, and boy subdue the beast. Then you see rion kneel.
HENRY McGEE: Ryan O'Neil?
CHOREOGRAPHER: No! The rion kneel. We got a big rion, six foot tall.
HENRY McGEE: Your lion.
CHOW MEIN: No, she's telling the truth. We come all the way from the mountains in Tibet.
HENRY McGEE: Himalaya.
CHOREOGRAPHER: No, him speak truth. Why you no trust us? Hory mackeler!
HENRY McGEE: But uh, you enjoy doing these traditional shows.
CHOW MEIN: Oh she once had a man.
HENRY McGEE: She, uh...
CHOW MEIN: She once had a man on the show. (pause) She wants Adam Ant on the show!
HENRY McGEE: She wants Adam Ant on the show.
CHOW MEIN: Yes!
HENRY McGEE: I thought uh, you were talking about her boyfriend.
CHOW MEIN: Oh she no have time for boyfriend. She too busy getting hold of her husbands.
HENRY McGEE: Husbands?
CHOW MEIN: Yes.
HENRY McGEE: How many husbands are there?
CHOREOGRAPHER: Six.
HENRY McGEE: Six?
CHOW MEIN: One of her husbands is a girl.
HENRY McGEE: (obviously confused) One of her husbands is a girl?
CHOW MEIN: Yes. That's Marie Osband. Then there is Donny Osband. And rittle Jimmy Osband, who sing, "I'm a rong-haired ruvver from a Riverpool." Ha ha ha.
HENRY McGEE: The Osmonds.
CHOW MEIN: Yes!
HENRY McGEE: I'm sorry, it's rather difficult trying to understand you.
CHOREOGRAPHER: How you think it is for us to understand you lot?
CHOW MEIN: Yeah, we go in the pub the other night, I say to a man, I say, "Would you rike a pint?" He says, "Not half." I says, "I not offer you half, I offer you a pint." I come outside, it's a big sign, it says, "Pamelot. Pronounced Success." (has a very confused expression on his face) I switch on the terevision, there's some iriot there is singing, "Milk have got a, rotta buttel, milk has got a, rotta buttel. Milk can no have a lotta bottle...
HENRY McGEE and CHOW MEIN together: A bottle can have a lot of milk!
CHOW MEIN: Yes! Ha ha ha ha ha.

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The Benny Hill Songbook was last updated 2007 June 21st Thursday