Scuttle's Escort Agency
Fred Scuttle opens an escort agency.

INTERVIEWER: Ten years ago they were almost unkwown, but today they're an integral part of the big city night life. I refer to the escort agencies... where, for a price, you can have that special evening with someone, charming, attractive, suave and amicably disposed. Most escort agencies supply only girls, but the Scuttle Escort Agency also supplies men.
FRED SCUTTLE: Good evening, sir. Good evening, viewers.
INTERVIEWER: Good evening, Mr. Scuttle. Now, Mr. Scuttle, if a lady came to you and said that she wanted a night of excitement, glamour, sensuality and unforgetable ecstasy... if she wanted all these things...
INTERVIEWER: Would you give her one?
FRED SCUTTLE: Not necessarily, sir. I could do, mind. If I had a few days notice. No, sir, first of all, sir, I would send her Joules.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, expensive jewels?
FRED SCUTTLE: No, he's very reasonable, Joules.
INTERVIEWER: Oh! Jooooules.
FRED SCUTTLE: Yes, sir, yes. Joules Avoir du Poi Ackroyd.
INTERVIEWER: He's French? Half French.
FRED SCUTTLE: By a friend of his father's, yes sir. He's a male model from Mackelsfield.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me, is he bilingual?
FRED SCUTTLE: I believe some of them are, sir. I could find out if you require to know.
FRED SCUTTLE: But personally, sir, I think that homosapiens and Lebanese should be left to their own devices, sir. I mean, he earns his money, that's the main thing. They all do, sir. But some of the women that come in here for the fellas, sir. There's one woman that comes in her for Joules, sir. Well I tell you, if Moses had seen her face there'd have been another commandment, sir. Purple hair, sir! Purple hair!
INTERVIEWER: Well so do lots of women.
FRED SCUTTLE: But with her it's natural. She's got sunken cheeks, shallow eyeballs, deep dimples and a cleft chin. When she smiles her whole face caves in. Not a pretty sight, sir, no.
INTERVIEWER: But uh, she's loaded.
FRED SCUTTLE: Most nights she is. Cheap potty at that Joules, you know. Well they all are, they love Joules.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me, tell me, what is it that he has that the others haven't got?
FRED SCUTTLE: Nothing really, sir, he's just got it grouped better, sir. It's not easy to put your finger on it really, sir. How can you define the intangerine, sir? It's a, it's a lot of things really, sir, it's the casual way he lollops about, nonchalantly picking his tooth... with a fork. Then again, sir, when crossed legged it's that little expanse of dainty flesh that he reveals, 'twixt the bottom of his boiler suit and the top of his clogs. In a word, sir, I would say charm. Pure, unadulterated charm, sir.
INTERVIEWER: And a great lover.
FRED SCUTTLE: He taught himself. Yes he did, sir, and at the end of the evening, sir, he gives every lady a long-stemmed rose, sir, with a hand-written love poem attached.
INTERVIEWER: Ah, the pen is mightier than the sword.
FRED SCUTTLE: And easier to write with as well, sir. Here, cop a load of this.
FRED SCUTTLE: "Pray do not crush my buds as you hold them, or the stalk that is hanging beneath, place them instead, next to your bed, in the glass where you keep your false teeth." Gets you there (puts hand over his heart) doesn't it, sir? Get you there (puts hand over his lap) as well, but mostly there (puts hand over his heart), sir. Mind you, not all women go for these handsome, rugged, Romeo, good-looking types.
INTERVIEWER: Well, all good-looking men are conceited.
FRED SCUTTLE: I'm not, sir. You see, sometimes they like someone they can mother, you see. We send little Jackie along, they love him, sir. He's got a little boy lost look, a look of complete disillusionment, sir. Like Malcolm Allison watching Crystal Palace, you know.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me, Mr. Scuttle...
INTERVIEWER: How do the ladies get hold of your letharios?
FRED SCUTTLE: (thinks about it) Not as often as I'd like sir.
FRED SCUTTLE: And very carefully, they choose carefully, sir.
INTERVIEWER: Your escorts.
FRED SCUTTLE: I parade them and the ladies choo... Would the viewers like a look? Would they like to see?
INTERVIEWER: Well I'm sure they would love to see...
FRED SCUTTLE: Would you stand back, sir?
FRED SCUTTLE: I say, stand by, lads. Gaston, dooez vous up les, uh, les mouches. Yes, your quelquechoses. Here they are, come on lads. Heralding the return of the romantic era, sir. Look at that.

Escorts singing

ESCORT 1: I kiss your little hand, madame.
ESCORT 2: To show that I'm high class.
ESCORT 3: And though I kiss your hand, madame.
FRED SCUTTLE: I'd rather kiss... Here! Where! Where's the other? Get him will you? I'm very sorry, sir.
ESCORT 4: (yelling from off stage) Nark! Nark!
FRED SCUTTLE: You sound like a dog with no roof to its mouth. Nark, nark. Come on you great puddin'. He's around behind sir.
FRED SCUTTLE: He's a round front as well, sir. Would you like to meet them personally?
INTERVIEWER: Yes, that would be very nice.
FRED SCUTTLE: Come along. This is little Johnny sir. There he is, look he's blushing, sir. He's only twenty-seven, sir. He's shy.
INTERVIEWER: About thirty years.
FRED SCUTTLE: Yes. Quite honestly he has only just come out of the merchant navy. And he doesn't know much about the opposite sex, sir. I don't think he knows what is the opposite sex.
JOHNNY (ESCORT 3):: Ha ha, yes. They're the one that go backwards when you dance.
FRED SCUTTLE: You see, he's learning. All the time studying. This one over here. (escort fumbling with something in his inside jacket pocket) There he is, he is our wit. Now you see, we can provide escorts for any occasion., sir.
INTERVIEWER: Well, Mr. Scuttle. I'm not going to put your claims to the test. I would like for tonight, someone young, charming, attractive, gay.
FRED SCUTTLE: I don't suppose... any of them four... none of those will do, sir.
INTERVIEWER: No, no, no, no. No, I had a woman in mind.
FRED SCUTTLE: Did you! When was this? Oh, sir, don't worry, because we have an even better selection of young ladies. 'Cause some of the fellas that come here, some of the punters, you know, sir?
FRED SCUTTLE: Oh, they've got some peculiar tastes, they're a funny lot, you know, sir, yes.
INTERVIEWER: They have little packadillos.
FRED SCUTTLE: I had heard, sir. I had heard. Stand by ladies, here they come sir. Our lovely, glamourous ladies. Look at that. Look at that little lot, sir, eh... Hang on. Bella. Come on, love. Come on.
BELLA: (crying) It's not my...
FRED SCUTTLE: You stand as much chance as the others. Come on, love. Yes.
INTERVIEWER: Listen, he wants a sporty girl, he wants to have a bit of fun. Back to the hotel, a bit of fun. Any one you like, sir. Take your pick, sir. Any one you wish, sir.

Bella crying out loud

INTERVIEWER: (looking over the ladies, distracted by Bella) Oh, all right then. All right. Now come on, stop crying. Stop crying, I'll take you.
FRED SCUTTLE: Oh, what a wise choice sir. And I'm not just saying that just 'cause she's my wife, sir. She is the best here and I can tell you that with great conviction, sir, yes. Fifty pounds, sir.
INTERVIEWER: Fifty pounds!
FRED SCUTTLE: She is the best, she has the looks
INTERVIEWER: There you are.
FRED SCUTTLE: Oh thank you very much, sir. That's lovely.
INTERVIEWER: Now stop crying, stop on crying. Out of all those girls, you're the one I picked.
BELLA: (still crying) It's always me!

Interviewer has a confused look on his face as Bella leads him away)

FRED SCUTTLE: Just a minute. No mauling and no molesting.
INTERVIEWER: I'm not likely to do any molesting here.
FRED SCUTTLE: I'm talking to her, not you. (joins the other ladies after they leave) Well I wouldn't let you lovely lot go, would I?

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The Benny Hill Songbook was last updated 2007 June 21st Thursday