Open on the CONFRONTATION logo, spinning on a turntable, then the camera moves to a shot of the set with the interviewers and interviewee.
TRUDI VAN DOORN: Mervyn Cruddy, you are an investigator and expose writer for a well-known newspaper.
MERVYN CRUDDY: (Benny Hill) Yes. The one that speaks up, faces facts and names names!
TRUDI VAN DOORN: Which one's that?
MERVYN: I'd rather not say.
BOB TODD: Could you remind us of some of your more successful disclosures?
MERVYN: Of course. I done, "You are a rat, Fred Fosdyke! Go out and get a job and stop sponging on your brother-in-law."
BOB TODD: Yes, who is Fred Fosdyke?
MERVYN: He's my wife's brother. Been with us five years, he has, he won't get a job at all or anything, sponger he is. Then I done, "Wake up, you lazy dustmen! Go and start emptying people's bins!"
BOB TODD: I bet they emptied your bin that week...
MERVYN: (laughs) They did, yes... right over my head. And then I exposed an unscrupulous lorry driver for parking his van outside my house all night.
HENRY McGEE: These disclosures seem rather personal, are they required to be in the public interest?
MERVYN: Well, what about when I done about London's Underground, the indecency of London's Underground?
HENRY McGEE: You mean the underground press?
MERVYN: No, you know very well what I mean, Picalilly Circus. I tell you, alongside the excalator there, there are no fewer than 17 different illustrated advertisements for ladies' corsets, bray-sierres and long—lingerie. I mean, pictures like that could turn a young boy's head.
HENRY McGEE: But surely, the escalators go so quickly, one could only see these photos for a few seconds.
MERVYN: I disagree. If you go down the one that's coming up, or up the one that's going down, you can see these disgraceful advertisements for quite a long time. Makes you unpopular with the other passengers, but it can be done.
HENRY McGEE: Are you sure?
MERVYN: I've done it sev—I've heard of it being done several times, yes. I mean, pictures like that, I mean... well... you know, turn a boy's head, he might end up on Marianna.
HENRY McGEE: Who?
MERVYN: Not who, what! Marianna, you know what I mean, reefers! Canapiss, you know what I mean. On the potty! I mean, before a boy knows where he is, he's... he's a smoked haddock... er, a smoke addict.
BOB TODD: Sir, I really must protest on behalf of Thames Television.
MERVYN: Well, you're not half of Thames Television, are you? So shut up for a change. And they want to watch out as well, 'cause I've already prepared a dozier on them. (turns a page in his book) Yes, I have seen behind Eamonn Andrews (pause) and his face-aid of respectability. Vice Ring Exposed at Teddington! I little realised as I entered the portholes of Thames Television, of the degradation and vice I was to uncover. My suspicions was aroused at in the foyer, when I seen their coat of arms up on the wall, a Skull and Crossbones. I was later assured this was a picture of David Nixon in a sleeveless shirt. But I wasn't buying that! A jackbooted Commissionaire leered as a nervous young girl, scantily clad, with blonde hair and heavily massacre-odd eyeballs... massacred eyeball?—mascard—with dark eyeshadow, walked past. "Opportunity Knocks!" he leered. "And for what?" I wondered. Three painted ladies was sitting on chases longers. A youth approached them. He was short and ginger, with blond hair. I could tell by the way he walked, he was a homo sapien. He assured me that he was a call boy. And with these, I wondered, "Call girls?" I was quickly answered. He said to them, "The producer wants all three of you on the floor in three minutes." UGGHHH! One of those girls admitted to me to being the mother of three illiterate children, the father of whom was a Lithuanian bottle importer. She also admitted having in her possession, phonographic material! And yes, there's a lot that ITV has to answer for!
BOB TODD: I find this all very hard to believe.
MERVYN: (laughs) So you think it's a pigment of my imagination, do you? Well then, answer me this. Why is it Hughie Green never appears on the BBC? I'll tell you 'cause why. Because after every "Opportunity Knocks" he's locked away in a room on the fourth floor, next to the Ticket Allocation unit where nobody will find him, and not locked out—let out 'til the next show. That's 'cause why. So read me next week and I will reveal all. I shall tell you why Harry Secombe dare not go back to his native Scotland... why Reg Varney refuses to acknowledge his brother Manto... why a certain member of the Ronnie Aldrich Orchestra changed his sax... just how many of the Black and White Minstrels are illegal immigrants... and the truth about Malcolm Muggeridge and Kathy Kirby! (pounds his hand on the desk)
The interviewers rise from their seats and flank Mervyn at his desk tending to his whims, with Trudi giving him a back rub.