The Birds and the Bees |
| I'd reached the age of fourteen and I hadn't started courting, |
| And my mum was getting worried about me. |
| She said, "Dad, it's time you told him all about the birds and bees," |
| He said, "The birds and bees," and sat me on his knee. |
|
| He said, "Now, remember Uncle Joe and that picnic a while ago, |
| How he went off into the woods with Auntie Pat? |
| And how I chased O'Reily's daughter and what happened when I caught her?" |
| I said, "Yeah," he said, "Well birds and bees does that." |
|
| Dad works very hard indeed, well he got ten kids to feed, |
| Well ten and seven ninths to be precise. |
| And we all wear hand-me-downs, and as I am the youngest, |
| And the others are all girls, it ain't very nice. |
|
| Dad said, "It's time that you got wed," I said, "I'd rather drop down dead," |
| He said, "Now how about old Maude from Ikely down?" |
| I said, "Maude? Not bloody like, she's been out by half the chaps in Ikely," |
| He said, "Well Ikely's really quite a little town." |
|
| He said, "You've got to get a wife, you can't go on enjoying life, |
| Or folks with think you're strange and start to frown." |
| I said to him, "Look, why should I buy a book? |
| When there's a thriving, lending library in the town." |
|
| One day I found a friend, he was up by Badgers End, |
| A little pigeon fell down by my feet. |
| His feathers was flecked with red and at first I thought he was dead, |
| Then I knelt and I felt his little heart still beat. |
|
| I cupped him in my hands and I ran home to my mam, |
| And she said, "Son, I'm as proud of you as I can be. |
| You're thoughtful and you're kind, and you've got a gentle mind, |
| And that will do a treat for your old father's tea. |
|
| I said, "You shall not touch my bird," and without another word, |
| I took him in my room and I shut the door, |
| And then I bathed and I warmed him and I nursed him back to health, |
| 'Cause you see, I'd never really had a friend before. |
|
| I taught him little tricks, like playing dead and picking up sticks, |
| And the village girls, they brought bird seed every day. Oo! |
| "Dad, you can't come in," I'd shout, "Or my birdie will fly out," |
| But of course I let the village girls all stay. |
|
| Well there was Mable from the stable, and Mary from the dairy, |
| We had a visit by our beauty queen. |
| And that great big Betty Mavery, and she's got her own avery, |
| She's got the biggest parakeets I've ever seen. |
|
| Dad said, "You ought to let him go," and Mum, she said, "Oh no, |
| You just want to get some shooting practice in." |
| But the vicar said, "My son, it really isn't done, |
| And to lock up a wild thing, that's a sin." |
|
| One morning when it was all still, I took him up to Badgers Hill, |
| I lost the only little friend I had that day. |
| Not a word I said, I just kissed his little head, |
| And I opened my hands and I watched him fly away. |
|
| He circled up and 'round, and then he settled on the ground, |
| And off he went straight up to the sky. |
| And then I looked and I could see he was flying back to me, |
| And then he swooped and he pooped right in my eye. |
|
| I thought, "That's bloody rude!" and, "Cor, there's gratitude!" |
| And, "I hope they never cross a pigeon with a cow!" |
| And Dad said, "Here, there's I see a caper, I'll go get a bit of paper, |
| I said, "Don't be daft, he's miles away by now!" |
|
| Dad said, "I know you lost a friend, but it's really not the end, |
| You'll be married and have a family of your own quite soon." |
| Well I never said a word, but you see, that little bird |
| Has lured eighteen little ravers up to my room! |
|
| So if anyone's got a spare cockatoo or an old crow they don't want, |
| I'd be very much obliged, because you know, I could put them to good use. |
Albums