Ted |
| I used to envy Ted, not just the things he said, |
| But his attitudes and his crafty little ways, |
| I mean, you might not think it, but I'm quite naive, but Ted, well he's suave, |
| And cool and sophisticated and blase. |
|
| Take the other day, he took that Betsy May, |
| Up to the pasture land behind the gravel pit, |
| He kicked a sleeping cow, made it get up and walk away, |
| So she'd have somewhere warm and dry to sit. |
|
| And they're alone there in that field, and she's just about to yield, |
| When her father comes and starts to raise his voice, |
| He says, "Are your intentions honourable or dishomourable my man?" |
| And Ted says, "What you mean I gets a choice?" |
|
| The same happened to me, a week last Saturday, |
| I ended up with a swollen, bleeding lip, |
| I was with her big brother Ray, he said, "You know my sister May?" |
| And like a tall fool, I said, "No, but thank you for the tip." |
|
| I was with that Patsy 0'Toole, and in this field there's this cow and this bull, |
| And they were, well you could see they were friendly anyhow, |
| I turns and says, "Hey Pat, I wouldn't half like to do that," |
| She said, "Well why not ask, she looks a friendly cow." |
|
| Old Ted's in these here digs, and the landlady treats them like pigs, |
| Well you can't blame her, they aren't exactly elite, |
| One day she goes round the bend, she says, "That's it, that's the end, |
| You're not even going to get a bite to eat." |
|
| Well the others all go white, but Ted says, "That's all right, |
| I know lots of landladies who could use some extra loving, |
| I'll not be homeless long 'cause I'm virile and I'm strong," |
| She said, "I'm not talking to you, your dinner's in the oven." |
|
| Once I had to go to Looe, the train left from platform two, |
| I reached my hotel tired, so I undressed, |
| When in walked a chambermaid real slow, in a dress that was cut so low, |
| If I'd stood on tippy toe I could have seen her vest, |
|
| She said, "I've just come to say goodnight, and to see that you're all right, |
| In that bed all warm and comfortable and wide, |
| Is there room for another in there?" I looked up and said, "Oh yeah," |
| She says, "Well shove over there's a commercial traveller outside." |
|
| Old Ted meets this fancy piece in town, and Ted don't mess around, |
| He's back in her flat quick as a wink, |
| She pours him a gin and then, she says, "Now you will tell me when," |
| He says, "Right after I've finished that there drink." |
|
| Well Ted, he does all right, well he stays there all the night, |
| And in the morning says, "I'll be toddling off now Sadie," |
| She says, "Just a minute Honey, don't forget the money," |
| He says, "Cor, I could'nt take money from a lady," |
|
| I was telling him about Sally, and that morning in her chalet, |
| I tell you that day I very near lost my heart, |
| I said, "I hope you like beer, I've got a quart in, and I don't know much about courtin', |
| But come here and I'll feel your backside for a start." |
|
| And she put some sun oil in my hand, and said, wouldn't it be grand, |
| If you rubbed some on me to protect me from the sun?" |
| Ted says, "Well, was she all white and milky, and was her skin all smooth and silky?" |
| I said, "I don't know, I had my mittens on." |
|
| Ted gets back the other day, six weeks he'd been away, |
| Staying with some woman up in the west end, |
| Then a letter arrives for me, implying emphatically, |
| A connection between me and his new found friend, |
|
| I said, "Ted, I wants the truth," he said, "Well, she was a bit old in the tooth, |
| I suppose I should be ashamed of what I did. |
| I gave her your name instead of mine, is that all right?" I said, "Thats fine, |
| She just died and left me half a million quid." |
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