Mastermind |
| Opens with Mastermind theme music and the caption: 'SYDNEY BOTTOCKS- Male Model' |
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| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON (Benny Hill) Your name is? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS (Jackie Wright) Sydney Bottocks. |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON Bottocks... neither one thing nor the other. You are married, and you have 15 children, and your hobby is? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS Flying my kite. |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON And you've chosen as your subject, the arts. Is that right? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS Yes. |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON Don't get cocky, it's not a question. |
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| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON Right. Quotations: "There are those who long for immortality, who don't know what to do on a wet Sunday afternoon." "If God had meant us to fly, He would have given us tickets." "Girls are like pianos—when they're not upright, they're grand." Who made those brilliant remarks?" |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS I don't know. |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON I did. You weren't listening, were you? You should've known it was me when I said they were brilliant. |
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| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON Victor Herbert, for his song "The Dream of Thalami," was paid $2,000.00. What did he say when he put his hand in his pocket and realised it had gone? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS "I don't feel very well." |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON No, he said, "I don't feel too grand." |
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| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON The next question is geographical. Is it possible for you to walk from Istanbul to Bangkok? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS No. |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON Why not? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS I've got a sore foot. |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON The answer is Yes, you can make the entire journey without once passing water. |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS Not with my kidneys. |
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| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON The next question is in two parts: What happened in 1756? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS Mozart was born. |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON And in 1776? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS Mozart was 20 years old. |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON No, he heard his first symphony played in public. Halfway through, he burst into tears. How did he view the world afterwards? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS Optimistically. |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON No, misty-optically. Don't get clever with me. How would you like your head, one lump or two? |
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| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON A man has five children. Half of them are boys. Is that possible? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS No. |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON Yes, the other half are also boys. |
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| A drawing is brought next to Magnus. |
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| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON This Aboriginal painting from Down Under, can you name it? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS Momod's "Light Bulb." |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON (turning picture around) No, Powow's "Lady Looking for the Soap." |
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| The drawing is taken away. |
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| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON Where does the expression "Le composition de ce la etbeurre, tel mon beurre" come from? |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS Victor Hugo's "Les Miserables." |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON (holding up a jar) No, the label of this jar of French mustard. |
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| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON It is a slang word, geographical location (a this point, four high-pitched beeps are heard, and Magnus holds up his hand) and name of a book. It is the Khyber... |
| SYDNEY BOTTOCKS Pass? |
| MAGNUS MAGNUSSON What a pity. Mr. Bottocks, you have the lowest score ever recorded on "Mastermind." You may have a mind, but you haven't mastered it. Good night! |
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| He pushes down the plunger on top of the box next to him and Mr. Bottocks is blown to smithereens. |
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