In the Courthouse |
| In a room in the courthouse are detainees, three men who look like rough individuals off the street and one woman with a scarf tied over her head and wearing a coat. #1 (Benny Hill) is walking around, carrying a newspaper, and the others are seated at a table. A female police officer stands at the door, stage right. |
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| #1 (Speaking to #2) It's no wonder you're in here, is it? Riding your motorbike on the pavement to avoid paying road tax. And when that copper asked if you had a pillion, what did you say? "How many's that?" |
| #1 He meets Her Majesty, the Queen, and all he can think of to say is, "That reminds me, I must get some stamps." |
| #1 He puts in six new windows in his house and then finds out his glasses are cracked. You pillock! |
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| #1 hits #2 with the newspaper and then sits down at the table. #2 pulls out a cigarette. |
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| POLICEWOMAN (Looking at #2) Oy! See that sign? It says 'No smoking allowed.' |
| #2 (Jackie Wright) (Looks up at her) Uh, I'll be very quiet. |
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| Policewoman exits stage left. #3 enters stage right, with his hand on his jaw |
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| #1 Oh, you're ??? |
| #3 I've been to the dentist, ain't I? Wisdom tooth. (Sitting at table) |
| #1 Oh, they put one in? |
| #3 No, took it out. Oh, it weren't half big. |
| #4 (Jon Jon Keefe): Does it still hurt? |
| #3 I dunno. The dentist has got it. (to #1) Where's Ted? |
| #1 He's in hospital. Broke his leg. |
| #3 How? |
| #1 Playing poker. |
| #3 How could he break his leg playing poker? |
| #1 He cheats. (reading newspaper) I see Charlie got three years then. Ho ho. |
| #4 What for? |
| #1 Disturbing the peace. |
| #3 You don't get three years for disturbing the peace. |
| #1 You do if the peace you disturb is the magistrate's wife. (reading newspaper again) Ooh, they had to convene a special assize court. Ooh, the things she said about him. |
| #4 What assize? |
| #1 It don't say she said that. (to #6) She didn't say 'what assize'. I say she--(waving his hand at her)... oh... |
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| Policewoman escorts #5 into the room through the door stage left. #5 is carrying a bottle and looking somewhat inebriated. |
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| #1 What's up with you then? |
| #5 (Bob Todd) (Sits at the table) Here. I took the number seven bus and it frightened the life out of me. |
| #1 Why? |
| #5 I'd never driven a bus before. (Starts drinking from the bottle) |
| #1 Here, is that neat whiskey? |
| #5 No, it's diluted. With vodka. |
| #2 That's slow poison. |
| #5 I'm in no hurry. |
| #4 You in that state, them coppers in there'll tie you up in knots. |
| #5 Aah, not me. I'm quick-witted. |
| #1 Quick-witted? You couldn't ad-lib a click if your false teeth come loose. |
| #5 The police are all right. They're only doing their job! |
| #1 Well, why don't you dye your head blue and join them? |
| #4 I can't see why we need coppers anyway. I mean, people are basically honest, ain't they? (They look at him, astounded.) I don't mean us, I mean people! If anyone finds a glove in the street, they put it on the mall and go home, don't they? |
| #1 'Til they find the other glove and then they run back for the first one, don't they? |
| #2 (Holding a book entitled 'Archaic Laws') What's 'archaic'? |
| #1 You what? |
| #2 Archaic? |
| #1 Well, it's like when they say we can't have our cake and eat it as well. |
| #1 Here, where'd you get that book from? |
| #2 I found it outside. |
| #1 Well don't let them coppers see you got that book, you know what they're like. |
| #6 (Kathy Staff) (who who has been sitting very still) Coppers is all right. |
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| Others sitting around the table are surprised by her sudden outburst. |
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| #1 Who rattled her cage? |
| #6 My brother-in-law's a mounted policeman. |
| #1 Are they stuffing 'em now then? |
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| Police officer comes back into the room, stage left. |
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| POLICEWOMAN Right, they're ready for you now. |
| #1 If it wasn't for coppers we wouldn't be here. |
| #6 No. We'd all be out of a job. |
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| Woman removes her scarf and coat to reveal a judge's wig and attire. The five men at the table (also judges) all get their wigs and put them on. |
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| #1 That's true. |
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| Police woman opens the door and the six judges walk out of the room. #1 exits second and pinches the policewoman on the bottom, and #5 exits last, still drinking from the bottle. |
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