God Bless My Father (Whoever He Was) |
| Harry sitting at the dining room table playing cards with his neighbour, George. Harry's wife, Blanche, is standing beside him. |
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| HARRY When I was in the hospital he fitted the guy in the bed next to me with a hot pacemaker. Now every time the guy sneezes the garage doors fly open. |
| BLANCHE When you were in the hospital you made me ASHAMED asking for the you-know-what in that vulgar way. |
| HARRY How else can you call it? I mean, what kind of a pot is it? It's not a flower pot, is it? It's not a cooking pot. No, it's a p... |
| BLANCHE You should say, "Please may I have a vase." |
| HARRY I did. I said to the matron, "Please may I have a vase." You know what she said? "How big's your bouquet?" |
| HARRY I'll tell you something. Her brother tells me I got hay fever, says I'm allergic to Poland. I'll tell you someting, I've never been to Poland in my whole life. She's a little upset; she can't figure out why her brother's got two sisters and she's only got the one. (in a loud voice) Tell me, where is he now? |
| BLANCHE (from the kitchen) He's up in Maine, slaying. |
| HARRY Still working huh? |
| BLANCHE YOUR brother's a saint, of course. Sixty years old and chasing half way across the world with two eighteen-year-old chorus girls. I ask you, what kind of a life is that for a man? |
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| Harry is speechless, just stares forward. |
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| BLANCHE And you can go with him for all I care. I'll be okay. There's plenty more fish in the sea. |
| HARRY Only your bait ain't what it was, is it? |
| BLANCHE (exiting) And your pier's collapsed. I've given you the best years of my life. |
| HARRY What do you want? A receipt? |
| BLANCHE (putting on old coat) Look at this coat. |
| HARRY What's wrong with it? |
| BLANCHE It's too short. |
| HARRY It'll be long enough before you get another one. |
| GEORGE You won again, Harry. |
| HARRY Ah, you know what they say. Lucky at cards, unlucky in love. No cheating, there's nothing up my sleeve. |
| BLANCHE And very little down your trouser leg. |
| GEORGE (getting up from the table) Can I drop you off somewhere, Mrs. Dobbs? |
| HARRY Yeah, over the side of the Brooklyn Bridge. |
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| George exits, following Blanche. |
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| MAID (brings Harry a prepared meal) There. Mrs. Dobbs made it especially for you. It's a sponge cake. |
| HARRY That is a sponge cake? (cake is rock hard, Harry picks it up and hits it against the plate) I can only assume she calls that a sponge cake because she borrowed all of the ingredients. She didn't have any of it, did she? |
| MAID No, she's on a diet. She reckons she's going to lose five pounds a week. |
| HARRY Well good. By next July she'll be gone all together. |
| MAID (touches Harry under the chin) Gee, you're so cute. |
| HARRY Come on Cindy, watch it. You know, I'm old enough to be your... big brother. |
| MAID Oh. I quite like older men. My boyfriend's nearly twenty-six. Gee, I wish you were twenty years younger. |
| HARRY Why? |
| MAID Then you could take my mother out. |
| HARRY What about your father? |
| MAID Oh, he's never home. He's a naval man. |
| HARRY I'm a leg man myself. Mind, I'm not a fanatic about it. |
| MAID (leaning over beside Harry with her blouse partly unbuttoned) Would you mind if I popped out later? |
| HARRY Cindy, you can pop out anytime you like. |
| MAID Later'll do. I can get showered and changed in two minutes. |
| HARRY I'd like to see you do it. God, I'd like to see you do it! |
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| At George's house, George is showing Blanche a fur coat he just bought for her. |
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| BLANCHE George, it's beautiful! Oh, George, it must have cost a fortune. But what's Harry gonna say? |
| GEORGE Here's what you do. You take it to Grand Central Station. Put it in the left luggage. You give the ticket to Harry. Tell him you found it. "Hey, it's a left luggage ticket," says Harry. "I wonder what it can be," says you. "I'll pop along and find out," says Harry. You get the fur coat and he don't suspect nothing. |
| BLANCHE (laughing) You're fabulous! |
| GEORGE Ain't I though? Ha ha ha! |
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| Back at Harry's dining room table. Harry is eating supper and George is sitting with him. |
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| BLANCHE Drink and sex. That's what killed your uncle: drink and sex. |
| HARRY Yeah, he couldn't get either so he shot himself. |
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| Blanche exits |
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| HARRY I tell you, that man is married to the coldest woman I ever knew. Every time she opened her mouth a little light came on inside. The only woman I ever knew who could ride a bicycle with her legs crossed. |
| GEORGE I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. Did you? |
| HARRY Can't remember, what was her maiden name? |
| GEORGE I meant sweet. |
| BLANCHE (entering) Wife, not sleeping well, Mr. Arbuthnot? |
| GEORGE It's the cats. They keep her awake at night. |
| HARRY We never eat cats. As far as I know. (looks at the plate of food in front of him) What the hell's this? |
| BLANCHE I got it out of the cookbook. |
| HARRY Good, it had no right to be there in the first place. |
| GEORGE May I pass you the Dodds, Mrs. Sugar? Oh! (chuckles) Pass you the sugar, Mrs. Dodds? Sweets to the sweet. |
| HARRY (to George) Would you care for some nuts? |
| BLANCHE Oh, uh... oh, th-that reminds me. Harry, you will remember to go 'round past the station and uh, find out what that ticket is for. |
| HARRY Oh, I forgot to tell you, honey. I did it this morning. Picked it up this morning, yeah. |
| BLANCHE Oh! And uh, what was it? |
| HARRY It was an old, broken umbrella. It was no good, I threw it away. |
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| George and Blanche look at Harry |
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| MAID (enters, putting on her new fur coat) Well, I'll be off now. G'night all. |
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| George and Blanche start to stand up |
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| HARRY (looks at them suspiciously) Going somewhere? |
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| They both sit back down |
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