Friends to Tea, with Henry McGee |
| HENRY McGEE Next week sees the opening of the Chinu Chinese Opera Company. Tonight, I am happy to welcome, with his choreographer, the leading light, Mr. Chow Mein. |
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| Chow Mein and a woman enter. He is in a very jovial mood as they walk onto the stage. |
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| CHOW MEIN Ha ha. Oh thank you. Ha ha ha ha. Herro every bloody. They are all crapping. It's nice to hear them crapping. |
| HENRY McGEE Good evening, and welcome to Great Britain. |
| CHOW MEIN For the people of China, wish prosperity on your people, and peace on your government. |
| HENRY McGEE What is the name of this opera you're presenting. |
| CHOW MEIN Little white buttercup. (looks at his choreographer) |
| HENRY McGEE The opera is called Little White Buttercup? |
| CHOW MEIN No, she a little white buttercup. |
| HENRY McGEE Oh, she's called Little White Buttercup? |
| CHOW MEIN No, I say to her, "You lift your right buttock up." (she lifts her right leg and Chow Mein removes the book she is sitting on) |
| CHOW MEIN It's still warm. (laughing, hands the book to Henry McGee, who takes it and Chow Mein turns it so he is looking at it the right way up) |
| HENRY McGEE (studying the book) You'll have to help me out. |
| CHOW MEIN Why, which way you come in? |
| HENRY McGEE Uh, I meant, what does it say? |
| CHOW MEIN It say, "Hi Pong, Wun Lung Ho, Hu Flung Dung." |
| HENRY McGEE In English. |
| CHOW MEIN In Engrish, "Confucious say, wise man never hide in rady's wardrobe after eating baked beans." |
| CHOREOGRAPHER This story of a poor boy who live outskirt of Peking. |
| CHOW MEIN Yeah. His parents are so poor he was made in Hong Kong. When he was sick, no can afford x-rays. Just hold him up to the right. (looks up to his hands as he pretends to hold something over his head) One day he see a robbery rady. |
| HENRY McGEE A lovely lady. |
| CHOW MEIN Oh, you rearning, yes. Anyloadup, she is in a temper. |
| HENRY McGEE She's angry. |
| CHOREOGRAPHER No, she very calm and selene. |
| HENRY McGEE But he just said she's in a temper. |
| CHOREOGRAPHER Yes! In a hory temper. |
| HENRY McGEE Oh, in a holy temple. |
| CHOREOGRAPHER Yes! (looking to camera) Oh vay, what a pirrock! |
| CHOW MEIN You tell him, Cookie baby, you tell him. Yeah. |
| CHOW MEIN Rook. She, uh in a temper. She is praying with a Mandarin. |
| HENRY McGEE Who also remains calm. |
| CHOREOGRAPHER Pardon? |
| HENRY McGEE He keeps his cool. |
| CHOW MEIN He keeps his what cool? |
| HENRY McGEE The Mandarin. She's praying with a Mandarin. |
| CHOW MEIN No, she no praying with a Mandarin. She's "praying with a mandarin." (imitates someone playing a mandolin) |
| HENRY McGEE She's playing on the mandolin. |
| CHOW MEIN Yes! Oh seep deem. Now she have house in Peking. |
| CHOREOGRAPHER So, boy decide he is going to Peking. |
| HENRY McGEE Through the suburbs. |
| CHOW MEIN No, through the window. What a pronker. |
| CHOREOGRAPHER But to get there he must go through big gleen tlees in folest. And in folest he meet her father who is vely lich. |
| CHOW MEIN He have all about his person, sort of like a red poncho thing, you know, and full of gold. |
| HENRY McGEE Wallets. |
| CHOW MEIN It's true. |
| CHOREOGRAPHER But then, big rion attack father, and boy wlestle him, and boy subdue the beast. Then you see rion kneel. |
| HENRY McGEE Ryan O'Neil? |
| CHOREOGRAPHER No! The rion kneel. We got a big rion, six foot tall. |
| HENRY McGEE Your lion. |
| CHOW MEIN No, she's telling the truth. We come all the way from the mountains in Tibet. |
| HENRY McGEE Himalaya. |
| CHOREOGRAPHER No, him speak truth. Why you no trust us? Hory mackeler! |
| HENRY McGEE But uh, you enjoy doing these traditional shows. |
| CHOW MEIN Oh she once had a man. |
| HENRY McGEE She, uh... |
| CHOW MEIN She once had a man on the show. (pause) She wants Adam Ant on the show! |
| HENRY McGEE She wants Adam Ant on the show. |
| CHOW MEIN Yes! |
| HENRY McGEE I thought uh, you were talking about her boyfriend. |
| CHOW MEIN Oh she no have time for boyfriend. She too busy getting hold of her husbands. |
| HENRY McGEE Husbands? |
| CHOW MEIN Yes. |
| HENRY McGEE How many husbands are there? |
| CHOREOGRAPHER Six. |
| HENRY McGEE Six? |
| CHOW MEIN One of her husbands is a girl. |
| HENRY McGEE (obviously confused) One of her husbands is a girl? |
| CHOW MEIN Yes. That's Marie Osband. Then there is Donny Osband. And rittle Jimmy Osband, who sing, "I'm a rong-haired ruvver from a Riverpool." Ha ha ha. |
| HENRY McGEE The Osmonds. |
| CHOW MEIN Yes! |
| HENRY McGEE I'm sorry, it's rather difficult trying to understand you. |
| CHOREOGRAPHER How you think it is for us to understand you lot? |
| CHOW MEIN Yeah, we go in the pub the other night, I say to a man, I say, "Would you rike a pint?" He says, "Not half." I says, "I not offer you half, I offer you a pint." I come outside, it's a big sign, it says, "Pamelot. Pronounced Success." (has a very confused expression on his face) I switch on the terevision, there's some iriot there is singing, "Milk have got a, rotta buttel, milk has got a, rotta buttel. Milk can no have a lotta bottle... |
| HENRY McGEE and CHOW MEIN together A bottle can have a lot of milk! |
| CHOW MEIN Yes! Ha ha ha ha ha. |
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