Dimpton Drinking Club |
| Once a month they leave their wives and off they go to St. Ives, |
| And there they develop some monumental thirst. |
| Twelve quarts a man is sunk and they claim not one gets drunk, |
| But they do admit that once they had one burst. |
|
| I don't go with them anymore, I said to myself, "What for? |
| Drink that homemade wine, made by Wally Cox? |
| I said, "This stuff, it tastes like stew, and it's a funny colour too, |
| They said, "Ah, that'll be the dye out of Wally's socks." |
|
| Once we stopped at a posh hotel |
| And Sid, he said, "Oh well, I'll just pop in and get an estimate for a gin and tonic." |
| Ted said, "I'll have a quart," I said, "You'll have half," he said, "Cor, don't make me laugh, |
| That'll slop about my inside something chronic." |
|
| Inside we see Marg Tickle, looking like she's weened on a pickle, |
| She sneered at Ted and without any warning, |
| He said, "You're ugly, you old crow," and she said, "You're drunk, I'll have you know," |
| He says, "I know, but I'll be sober in the morning." |
|
| There's the landlord's daughter Gerta, she's a nice little bit of skirt, |
| So to show off Ted orders pints of the best. |
| He said, "And what'll you have, my dear?" she said, "I'll just have a mouthful of beer," |
| He said, "Don't be greedy, you'll have a pint, same as the rest." |
|
| He said, "I can't buy this stuff," "Uh," he said, "I'll be glad when I've had enough, |
| And we can all move on to some better place. |
| She said, "Good riddance 'cause you're too rough, you don't know when you've had enough." |
| He said, "I do, I'll fall flat on my face." |
|
| And they starts to have a row, she said, "You can't even see straight now," |
| He said, "I can see straight, you don't have to shout." |
| He said, "I can see clear as a dye, that cat coming in's only got one eye." |
| She said, "That cat ain't coming in, he's going out." |
|
| Each time he sees the vicar, now he don't hold his strong liquor, |
| When he seen Ted I thought he was going to get cross. |
| But he said, "Last Sunday I was filled with elation, to see you in my congregation." |
| He said, "Thank God, I wondered where I was." |
|
| That night we was tight as ticks, the next morning about half past six, |
| When all was still and no one was about. |
| Wally's Uncle Sid lifted up the dustbin lid, |
| And quietly and carefully climbed out. |
|
| See, the night before he'd stripped off, cursed, and then dived in head first, |
| You see, he thought he was on the end of a pier. |
| And a policewoman passed by and murmurred with sigh, |
| "What a waste, that one there's good for another year." |
|
| Oh dear, Wall had so much to sup, he woke the landlord up, |
| He phoned him up, he didn't have to shout. |
| He said, "We don't open until ten, you can't get in till then." |
| He said, "I don't want to get in, I want to get out." |
|
| Charlie, oh Charlie, he got so high, he laid down in the sty, |
| Next to a pig, and a passing priest was heard to say, |
| "You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses." |
| And the pig got up and slowly walked away. |
|
| Well I sit here like old Ghandi, with my little half a shanty, |
| While they lot goes and drinks up half St. Ives, |
| 'Cause once a month each year, he goes off and they disappear, and he goes off on the beer, |
| And they leaves behind their darling little wives. |
|
| Still you see, some men thirst for knowledge, and that's why they goes to college, |
| But some needs ale and wine to quench their thirst. |
| But the thirst I like to quench, requires the cooperation of a wench, |
| And I wonder which of the little wives I should call on first. |
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